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♥ Caz... fiesty grace with sultry mystery ... |
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11/2/2009 for the words that don't always fit. The reasons that may not seem obvious to you... She's tired of some of the childishness that goes on. The over bearing sick, sad, sweet proclaimations that no one really needs to know or that don't really put any justice on anything at all. If it needs such proof then really are you just convincing yourself than it actually being realistic. Some things she doesn't agree on but it doesn't really get to her, its the really stupid teenage crap that gets on her nerves. She's too old to be playing games, too mature to care what goes on behind your closed doors and just plain and simply not interested. Proof is not in words that one may write but in the actions that cannot be explained because how extrodinary the actions are to yourself and only you. The things you pretend to care about... If its all about caring about what others want and what others feel then stop contradicting yourself and take one hard look at what you doing. Don't say that you are trying to do this and that when only in the end all your actions turn round and do not even jusify what's coming out of your mouth. She's been here longer, shes's been through a lot more, and this is no different than before and therefore it makes you no different from all those that were in the same spot in the past. Wonder why those who are unhappy about it all are unhappy. Maybe its the unhappiness of certain situations and the loss of a strong friendship.So before you say things and assume you know why, think again. The parts of that will not be her problem... In the end its not really her problem, she's just sad and upset that one of the things that were most important to someone she wants to protect is compromised. She knows that deep down inside that it would not be discussed because its not in their nature and eventually it will just fade away into nothing, and that's what makes it worse. She doesn't care about the things you think she cares about, in fact she's seen a lot of these things come and go and she knows that the real test is later on down the track, because every year it becomes more challenging and not everyone makes it, something not even the strongest of people can get past. So choose your words wisely about the people that care for who you care about because you may be destroying things that are important in someone else's life dilberately. She doesn't care about the overall picture and if that makes her less of a friend than so be it, but she does care about some of the friendships you can categorise however you think you wish. Every friendship has a mark of its own, its not up to you to choose which one deserves which mark. -------- // Caz 4/17/2009 disappearing each mysterious glimmer.Decaying of a glimmer of hope... There are a lot of things that never really worry her. Most of the time its due to the fact that there is always a glimmer of hope that gets her by. Her confidence in being able to make things go well also contributes. But what happens when she is faced with the fact that she can no longer see that glimmer of hope or have the confidence to sort out all the problems from the solutions. She's at a point in her life where she didn't really think she would have to be. Whilst she has always prided herself on it, for some reason, this is not the same, this is something entirely different. That in itself makes it so much more difficult to even comprehend. So far she hasn't been able to understand what it is that makes her feel so bland, and what it is that use to make her feel so much more excited about the things in her life. Some times, she wonders, if she has tried just too hard. Disappearance of each desire... At this point in time maybe it is her own personal problem and that the only person to blame is herself. That something in her life isn't working out the way that she wants it to be or the way she wants to feel. The feeling, the emotion and the want of it all seems to have changed without much warning. Yet as she thinks about it all, she still wants the same things, she still desires the same things and she still wants the passion that can be bestowed on her, so no, she has not changed so much that none of these core important things in her life is so different from what it is she wants now. So maybe, it isn't just her problem at all. But she's just not that ready to start blaming it on others just yet because she knows if she does that it's not just a feeling anymore, its reality. Death of each new mystery... The bottom line is that she misses things that she didn't even think that she would see just slowly disappear into nothing. Yet at the same time she feels like its been a long time coming because nothing ever lasts as long as she expects them too. It's not like she doesn't say the things that she wants, or expresses her opinions on what she likes or makes a mystery out of it. So why is it so hard, why does it have to be so hard when it is simplified, repeated and argued about over and over again. She doesn't want comfortable or boring, she wants spontaneity and passion. Not a new concept from her at all. The lack of actions, the more of silenced words and the non-existent attempts are a list longer that she ever wished for herself. So how much longer will it take before she decides that some things just aren't meant to be simply comfortable and habitual and nothing else. ----------- // Caz 4/13/2009 sprinkle a little surprise this way.Honestly, just not that interested... Lately she's being more selective and more in sync with the people that are important to her. Maybe it's taken her this long but at least now she understands the important things a little better than she did before. She's able to filter out the things that were never really that worthwhile to keep and remember to hold on a little tighter to the things that make her less worried and less stressed about life in general. She's learned some lessons that weren't fun to learn, but in the end it seems that really mattered come out alright in the end and all that didn't just got thrown away. And she doesn't regret it one single bit. Seriously, where has all the fun gone... Keeping the interesting factor is becoming a little more difficult each time. She's done all the spontaneous things and all the surprises. Soon enough she's either going to run out of ideas, or she's not going to bother anymore. So maybe, somewhere down the track sprinkling a little surprise this way would be quite nice and would be just something that she didn't have to plan. She's getting a little bored and a little frustrated. Those two things are never good for her because sooner or later she's going to chuck a useless little tantrum for no particular reason without any remorse. Honestly, anything will do. --------- // Caz 2/22/2009 exception to the rule.Being the hopeless romantic... She's too much of a hopeless romantic, and she's a bad one too. She's not too sure how she turned out like that, all lovey dovey and spontaneous is all things love. But she loves it for the thrill and for that warm feeling inside. And truthfully probably for that modern day happily ever after too. Being in this state of mind for her is not always easy. There are too many things that can easily cause her to be disappointed and frustrated, the lack of trying or even just the lack of gestures. She can't seem to help herself into it because being that hopeless romantic only means that you always hope for the best, whether or not it will ever change. Being the exception and not the rule... There's always those stories that end without much reality. She wants to be selfish and wants to be one of those. But she's not fooled into thinking that it will present itself without much warning and do as her dreams tell her to do. She doesn't want to fall into old traps and unmistakeable lies. She doesn't want to be the old traditions of a significant other or just that girl. She wants him to make her feel like the reality can be unbelievable. And that it is unbelievable, not because of big grand gestures or huge romantic offerings, but because he makes her his exception to every other girl. She simply wants to be his exception and not his rule. -------- // Caz Mood: Hopeful 2/9/2009 wanted.Wanted New people for friendship. Non-smokers. No dramas. No complications. Honest. Trustworthy. Include me. Appreciate what I have to offer. Interested in knowing me as I am interested in knowing you. Can put up with Calum as well. Because, I'm in the mood. I'm fed up. I've had enough. I'm over it. --------- // Caz for all of these reasons.I am more independent than I
anticipated… I am becoming more truthful which has its upsides and downsides… I am making university more a part of my life then my feeble attempt in the past… I am ready to move on because it’s about time… I am understanding myself in a more mature manner… I am ready to grow up, but not too fast… I am loving with an open heart because of him… I am not wild, crazy or delirious nor do I really want to be… I am honest and stable… I am still as stubborn as ever but I don’t regret it… I am grateful for my best friends and I want them to know… I am appreciating design in a new light… I am ready for his dreams because soon it will be mine as well… I am glad that I have found that special someone now instead of hoping and dreaming about him… I am more aware of my likes and dislikes instead of the grey areas… I am enjoying having time to myself and will continue to make time for me… I am more certain of myself and the decisions that I make in the future… I am determined to stop the silly games that I play on myself and others… I am not fooled by hopeless plans and unrealistic dreams… I am thinking and doing things for the present and this will not change… I am more aware of those who are my friends and not those who are friends of friends. I am not going to succumb to my own emotional foolishness… I am a risk taker, as long as it’s calculated… I am his as much as he is mine, without doubt and without worry, after all these years… I am liking myself more for all of these reasons... ---------- // Caz Mood: Grateful
1/18/2009 falling from that optimistic high.Yesterday's wishes and unspoken promises... She was optimistic and self-assured that it would end alright. Its a funny concept to her but somehow along the way she realised that maybe he was right, in his strange logic. She feels in control, full of action and so high on life that she doesn't really remember when she was like that last. Her usual optimistic self was there keeping her brave and keeping her smiling. Some thing she had missed in quite a long time. It never occurred to her that she might be happily content in the way she is now despite the feelings that she had before. She thought she would be worse off or even just going along with whatever life seemed to throw at her feet. The hardest thing was that she felt she was in it without much support from that one person. Today's downfalls and falling emotions... She was fine, she was brave, she was doing oh-so well, until all the questions became a little overwhelming. She's still a little bitter, deep deep down inside. She's still a little angry, but not so much anymore. She's a little annoyed, because things don't seem to be moving that much more forward. So is it a shock that sometimes she sounds that little bit bitter, or that tiny bit annoyed? It's much easier today to shrug it off then to explain things that no one seems to understand. Today all the realisations that she never really faced were there eyeing her, asking her the questions and just testing her patience. Some of those realisations were ones that she never really even considered until now. Today is not one of those self-assured, optimistic days. Tomorrow's empty words and impossible predictions... There are so many things that she wants. Her wants are different now. She wants it all to work out, no matter how hard it is, no matter what it takes, just not how long it takes. She's become a person that she would not have had a chance to be without this challenge. She hates to admit that some times this makes her content because before it she was not feeling wanted enough. Somehow she feels more important now and her contributions and her, in general, make that difference than it did before. So she wonders, if it were all to go back the way that it was, will this feeling of wanting her, loving her, appreciating her phase out? She hopes and it worries her because she doesn't want to fall into the same optimistic trap. -------- // Caz 11/18/2008 really want.Simple need...
Ecstasy...
X just marks the spot...
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♥ Nickelback - Dark Horse ♥
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// Caz
Mood: Satisfied
11/2/2008 silly romantic notions.Her heart desires all the silly romantic notions...
In one look will you kiss her like you've been holding your breath all this time.
At first touch will you hug her with all the teddy bear hugs you can muster.
Is the scent of her hair, her perfume, her essence remind you of where your soul belongs.
Will you see her through your blue eyes remembering why you fell for her in the first place.
Can you map her face knowing that your mind could never protray it as well as this moment.
Does the feel of her hand in yours cause you to never want to let go.
When she laughs will you grin stupidly to yourself knowing that you miss that sound more than you realised.
With a look into her eyes can you see the passion and desire she still holds for you.
If she had a choice.
In one kiss she would kiss you until she ran out of all the breath that she has been holding.
At first touch she would stay unmoving in your teddy bear hug.
The scent of your clothes, your skin would keep her soul tangle up with yours.
Through your blue eyes she can see how she continuously falls for you.
Mapping out every line, every wrinkle, every mark makes you so unique to her.
Holding your hand makes her feel like you would never want to let go.
Seeing your stupid grin as she laughs only makes her smile knowing that she can make you grin just like that.
With a look into your eyes she wants to remind you of the passion and desire that you will always invoke in her.
Her irrational conclusions of what could be...
And never will be...
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// Caz
Mood:Romantic
10/27/2008 untangling from fancy dreams.Just like a disappearing act...
There's something unsettling about realising where things seem to stand. Where once it seemed that it all made sense no longer makes any sense to her. In some ways she's learned the lesson that nothing was really hers and it was always something that was his. It doesn't suprise her in the way that it probably should but she wonders why she ever convinced herself otherwise. She's stopped pretending that she ever was something other than his plus one, but despite trying so hard, after so many years she would like to think of herself as her own person. However, this is proving otherwise.
Letting go piece by piece...
She feels that she devotes a lot of time into the present with not much consideration into the future. A large contrast when it comes to him. She sometimes feels like he forgets to live in the moment, to savour the kisses, to relinquish in the warm hugs or even realise that things planned in the future will not always work out in the immediate present. She realises all too well that she hangs onto his fancy dreams and lace like words but lately shes found this strange personality in her that she's not too sure what will do.
Every strand fallling apart...
There are so many situations that she has been afraid to run away from. The sole reason being that she's too stubborn to let go of the things that are comfortable to her, things that are almost habitual. She's starting to realise that she's not afraid of taking the big steps or the necessary steps of precaution. Sadly, losing things bit by bit no longer fazes her, in fact, she just sits back and watches it all disappears no matter how hard she may be trying to hold on. Today is one of those days, where she wonders if a better offer will present itself, and the truth as to whether or not she would take it.
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// Caz
Mood: Lonely 9/29/2008 the thin line between wishing and wanting.Where missing someone doesn't seem to mean enough...
There's a million things that she misses about having you so close. Some of them seem stupid, some of them quite valid and others are just bordering obsessive. She misses the way that you look at her, the way that you make plans for the two of them and calling whenever she wants to hear the sound of your voice. All those things are important to her and its hard to just deal with it all disappearing. Yet she always knew that it was going to be hard, she knew from the get go that it was never going to be perfect and that it was going to be a horrible way to communicate. But you insisted it would be fine and you promised it would work out. She believed you, maybe because she wanted to, but she's starting to feel like it's not going to be okay, and nothing is going to be fine about it.
Where wishing one thing and wanting another is a thin line...
She's at place where she knows that she can't win. She knows that what you want is important, in fact one of the most important things in your life and she would never want to stop you from doing anything that would jeopardise that. The truth is that she is supportive of you because it is the way she is and she knows how much you really want this dream of yours. She sometimes forgets the sacrafice that she has to face. But lately it seems that the sacrafices are bigger than the rewards. Some days she understands the score, its the other days that she realises that she doesn't want to do things this way and she never really wants it to be this way. She feels so selfish every time, but she's not threatening you or demanding that you choose one option or another, she just knows what she knew right from the beginning, there is nothing she can do that will mean she gets what she wants.
Waiting for that something extrodinary to happen...
The romantic hidden away in her wants the something extrodinary to show that all this and more is worth it. The truth is right now she can't see the happy ending that you keep insisting on. She needs something more solid, more tangible, to truely even be convinced that it will work out in the end. Some times it feels like she's trying so hard, but not exactly sure what for because you never tell her anything except that it will be fine. That's not enough, not if you really want this to work the way that you want it to be. She's tired of relying on hope despite the fact that it's one of the things that she lives with. For now she'll keep trying, and keep being as supportive as she can but she doesn't know how long she can continue to do it until it becomes a thin line of regret.
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// Caz
7/1/2008 worth every lie.
There is only so many times it can be repeated before it gets old... Once again it happens. This time round she tried to stop being annoying and never once said a word. It made her feel more miserable than she was and made her hate you and everything about you. It was never suppose to work out that way. It was all suppose to be for the better and to make it all alright in the end. Instead it did the opposite and the stupid thing was that you hardly noticed at all. Yet is it surpising considering you don't seem to notice that she's miserable and sad lately. So was it worthwhile at all to mention it, so that it wouldn't all tear itself apart? She hasn't got much faith in it because it never really has worked out in the long-run. She can feel herself get more and more exhausted from trying and more and more disappointed when it is thrown right back into her face. It's not worth your anger because you always know the best way to hurt her. The solutions that always sound long-term but never really will be...... Whatever happened to not getting enough of her laughter, her stupid talks, her crazy antics and just her in general. If she lets it all slip away a fraction at a time she doesn't even see you try to reclaim it. It's like you never bother to look and see what is happening and she is the one doing all the saving. But no credit ever goes her way, no extra loving goes her way and nothing emotionally valuable of any sense seems to come from you at all. You seem blinded by everything that she has done when it is all done espeically for you. She will not be taken for granted, yet you wouldn't notice that either would you? So don't be so offended when she finally decides that you probably won't really make it better for real this time because she's believed it too many times before. It's not about blame no matter how much you think its all about you. Its about yourself and herself, together, trying to get rid of all the things that threaten to make it end unhappily. Saying one thing while doing the exact utter opposite...... She's not a hard-to-please person, she's not a nosy individual and she is definately not someone who questions every motive. So she believed what you said even though all her senses told her otherwise. She doesn't know what to do with what she has. Whilst its small she feels betrayed, that you could say one thing so easily and then lie and leave details out for your own selfish convenience. It's exactly the thing that is the problem and you did it all right to her face without flinching. Did you feel remorse, did you care, did you truly think that she would be ignorant enough? Every benefit of the doubt she gave you seems to just have been spat right back into her face. So does she show you so that you can pull some sort of excuse to make it all better, or let you find a way to hurt her by saying horrible things in the heat of the moment. She just feels angry beyond comprehension, betrayed by the one person that should never betray her and so upset that no words, no matter how much she writes, can describe it. Forgive her for not really believing all that you say in the future. She hopes that it was all worth it, every last lie.
// Caz 5/27/2008 threatening shadows.Laying awake staring into the dark...
There are a million and one things that keep repeating themselves in her head. They all disappoint her, sadden her and just competely and utterly make her usual optomistic views down right dark and pessimistic. She can't seem to shake it away, can't seem to brush it away, can't seem to talk it away because there is nothing that seems to make it all just go away. She hasn't got much hope left that it will just vanish from her thoughts because for once reality wins over her fantasies and hopes. She needs to feel better and she doesn't even know where to begin anymore, or whether or not it matters.
The murky line of non-existence...
In all the things that she has said before it seems that nothing really changes, nothing really heals and everything just seems to stay the same miserable way. Not once has she felt she has been given the credit for being brave, for being strong or for just even keeping her damn big mouth shout. No recognition, no idea, and absolutely no clue that she has tried so hard and been on her very best behaviour. Whilst she's not digging for compliments, or looking for that big reward she is waiting for you to figure out that she is trying desperately to be patient and that it has now lost its way. She's only got so much to give and she have given it all away without anything in return.
All the shadows that will follow her around...
She keeps saying over and over again of all the things that she would like from you. They are not hard, they are not demanding but for some reason you seem to never get it. And even when you do its only for a short amount of time and then once again she is right here. It can't keep being this hard because in the immediate future it will never work like this, it will never survive the way you seems to think it will. Right now, she knows where she stands with you, no where to be seen. The list of piorities that are so important to you seem to include her but disregarded time and time again. The one thing that makes her so sad above all else is that you have not once expressed that you regret or care that you will leave me behind.
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// Caz
Mood: Crushed
2/22/2008 on fire at one touch.Ignite a spark in one moment...
She never expects that some times good things can happen out of no where or that great things happen without a reason. But she gets tested, she gets tricked and some times just a moment of it is enough for her to believe that she can breathe freely for once in a very long while. Despite all this, the most unprecedented thing about it is that some times it is you who gives that exact spark to her. That reason alone makes the gesture all the more grander and all the more appreciated. The truth is that it's because of you that it is the best thing for her at that moment. So when its no longer there, sooner or later, she's not sure how she will remember to take a break and breathe.
Forced flames for one purpose...
To her you are a remarkable person. She never would really admit how much she really needs you or how much she really would depend on you. She wouldn't even admit it to herself. But she knows that she has changed her views on life, her life, because you came and rearranged everything and demanded that new pieces fit where they didn't in your own selfish way. Some times she hates the idea that you did that yet somehow all these inputs in her life mean something to her now but only if you are there to see it through together.
On fire at one touch...
In all the uncertainties in her life, all the ones that were already there and all the new ones you inscribed into her life, she knows that some times she needs to stop holding on so tightly and believe that it will all work out all right. In that one moment despite the fact that sooner or later its another memory to add to all the ones already in her mind, she felt positive about it. She'd been waiting to feel something other than fear and it finally showed itself. In just one moment, at one touch, the one true purpose was there. One step closer to surviving it all because in the end it is going to be worth it all.
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// Caz
Mood: Anxious
12/6/2007 wrap me up in a pretty pink bow.So many things to be excited about at the moment...
Watching the ballet on the Opera House Steps under the stars for free.
Gav's 21st.
My pretty new shoes (very rarely happens).
Wearing my new dress for the first time.
Lunch present for Parentals from Calum and I.
Lunch present for Calum's Parentals.
Christmas cards to people overseas.
Wrapping presents.
Admiring the Christmas lights and decorations.
Christmas Eve.
Christmas Day.
Camping at Foster in Feb.
Organising my 21st in April.
And I'm finally starting to feel really excited...
But the most important thing is passion and happiness.
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// Caz
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